Archive for April, 2010

No Blow in the Lap Dance Room

April 30, 2010

There is TOTALLY sex in the champagne room at my club (dirty!) and last I checked, not much champagne. I went down there with some Greek guy at 3AM my very first night working there. Within 2 minutes, he was busting out his outrageously small dick and some cocaine. I spent the whole time down there trying not to have his dick shoved down my throat (well considering the size, it would barely make it past my lips). It was a little tragic because he was actually pretty handsome and in shape.

My Thursday night shifts have been disappointing the last few weeks. Apparently, the club switched DJ’s and lost a lot of their Thursday night following. Every week, it’s a night you expect to make decent to great money, but it’s been a tad rough.

Last night was a disaster for me. I literally did not give a lap dance until 2:45AM and business was very slow. Like most recent Thursdays, it got to a point where there were people but nobody was spending (lots of “you’re beautiful” comments NOT accompanied by dollars).

The fact I’m still new makes my job a bit tough because I haven’t figured out who all of the best customers are. I’ve just done well with randoms who weren’t frequent flyers. Anyhow, last night was almost a confirmed lost cause when I approached a guy I’d seen check me out when I was on stage. After a minute or two, I asked if he wanted a private dance. He said “Do you give a good lap dance?” to which I responded “It’ll be fucking amazing cause I haven’t given a dance all night and I have lots of stored up energy.”

My club has a separate lap dance room. I’ll admit it can get a little dirty back there because the guys feel very unsupervised, which is the case. The club makes most people pay $40 for their first song ($20 to the club, $20 to us) which can be kind of a bitch when you have already cheap customers to convince. This guy had the extra $20 waived.

The moment we got back there, the guy got all distracted with wanting to discreetly bump some lines. I started dancing for him but he needed to get in his pocket for the drugs and my goodies were in the way . Last night was literally just the third time I’ve done coke and I feel like it just doesn’t phase me much. I had a slight burst of energy and I was actually grateful for the drip down my throat, which had been dry all day. The $140 for dances and slight mood alteration didn’t hurt either, since I was getting close to losing it on someone. But I’ve long said, why deal with coke when you can just get an Adderall Rx? Cheaper and legal.

The thing about our private dance room is it truly is an alternative to a champagne room. You pay $20 per song a la carte and stay for as short or as long a time as you want. I wish I could say I refuse to let a grab my tits or smack my ass, but it’s a fucking strip club and I’m not a top earner there. I let guys get away with shit to keep em spending.

Another dancer who is very skinny and NEVER stops talking (obvious cokehead which I don’t see myself turning into) was hanging out with her regular customer, his friend and I. Her customer was literally fingering her at the bar and she just said “yeah he does it all the time.”

I think I caught a break visiting our champagne room. The club charged the guy just $200 ($100 for me) and although it was allegedly for an hour, they kicked him out after about 20 minutes. I can’t help wondering if they thought I’d fuck him or assumed not. If they thought I was going to they should have charged way more!

On a similar note, a friend of mine gave me a good tip. In the lap dance room, she’ll tell guys she’ll meet them at a hotel and get them to pay her upfront for part or all of the sex money. Then she just ditches them. I definitely need to adopt a hitman-esque “half now, half when the job’s done” policy.


Just Shoot Me…With a Dart

April 28, 2010

My gender has a reputation for being the more talkative one. But when it comes to strip clubs, you see a very disproportionate number of chatty Christophers who never shut up.

The most painful conversation I’ve had was on a slow Sunday or Monday night when I’d surveyed the same handful of customers a half dozen times. I started chatting with a man who had just come from shooting darts with friends. Normal enough activity. But he was in a dart league that he proceeded to break down for me in excruciating detail.

Another guy, very Italian-American, got to talking about cooking with me and proceeded to rattle off every ingredient of every recipe of everything he liked to make. Yes, garlic and parmesan cheese were oft mentioned.

The other kind of conversations that can be more engaging, but draining, is when customers insist on talking about politics or morbid subjects.

A guy last night spoke about his wife’s two brothers both getting killed on 9/11 and how the double tragedy ruined their marriage. Another guy who had been dragged to the strip club against his will for his birthday insisted on bashing liberal politics in hopes of a heated convo.

Stripper Karma

April 28, 2010

When I bartended at a strip club and wasn’t dancing yet, a dancer scolded me for leaving my money lying around in plain sight. She said she’d have problems with being robbed by other girls. I suppose the issue of stealing cash is pretty obvious in a work environment where many girls are funding a cocaine habit, 40K annual college tuition or are greedy enough to supplement their stripping income with escorting. But I try to be very good about leaving other people’s money alone in hopes of establishing good karma.

We get pretty tipsy at work sometimes, especially since our $10 per glass of champagne commissions encourage the habit, so most girls have had incidents of drunkenly losing money. My worst incident was on St. Patty’s Day. I’m Irish-American and I was milking it. Customers bought me a million Jameson shots and I got so drunk I had to ask to go home early. I lost money while hitting the Halal cart on the way home and fortunately, the Halal cart guy saved the many items I’d left by him. Being a regular and a tipper was an investment that paid off! Karma baby.

On the subject of drunk stripping, I of course wonder if the girls who do more daring acrobatic pole tricks have had bad incidents. I overheard one girl who has worked there for ages explaining how she used to do great pole tricks and stopped after a bad accident. I tend to half ass my stage time and play it safe, but I definitely start feeling sexier and throwing myself around a bit more when I have a buzz on. Before I get drunk, I just look like Britney Spears trying to make a music video on 100 mg of Lithium.

Mace is the Place

April 27, 2010

The first thing I think about when I hear the word Mace, or rather Ma$e, is the Bad Boy records rapper turned preacher well known for the “Can’t Nobody Hold me Down” single off Puff Daddy’s first album. But another girl brought to light last night that I might wanna carry the self defense weapon by the same name. Last night, some guys came in and were spending decent cash initially. I took one back for a few lap dances and he immediately asked “do you party?” which I only learned last year means, do you blow coke. These guys got it in their heads that myself and a friend I get along with at the club were gonna chill with them after work. We literally had to sneak out the back door and bolt down the street for a cab cause we knew they’d be waiting for us outside the club when we closed. Lesson learned yesterday was not to insinuate you will go party with guys after hours. The group from last night stopped spending the moment my girl and I began pretending we wanted to hang. I’m all set with gang bangs and risking my life going to coke head customer’s houses!I’ll have to figure out where a broad scores pepper spray. For now my Eve pussy spray will be performing double duty.


April 26, 2010

I met a guy who knows my roommate at the club yesterday. He got 2 lap dances from me. I told him not to dare say anything to her since I tell her I’m bartending (as well as my whole family). I wonder how long I can keep doing this before I get busted by someone who is more of a liability.

Trains and Trainwrecks

April 26, 2010

Since I live in Queens and have been a city dweller since the age of 17, I spend lots of time on public transportation. Especially the last couple weeks cause I’m apartment searching and running all over town to view places. I’ve definitely been the cliche disheveled female rummaging through her bag for keys, Metrocards etc…but these days on the train, there’s a new element of embarrassment to my frequent bag rummaging sessions. Trying not to let a random thong or stripper heel poke out of the bag for the world to see and judge me on. At the club, you can get a locker, but I haven’t worked there long and have to pay my dues to get locker status and put an end to running around with all my stripper crap; up to 2-3 dresses, pairs of shoes, thongs, garters, rubber bands galore and a crapload of jewelry and makeup. I’m looking a little like this girl on a daily basis….

Trying to find an apartment and make good impressions on people while running around like a bugged out hungover trainwreck every day. Slight conflict of interest.

And I bring you to the current contents of my bag.

Notice the lip gloss and lighter tied with a rubber band to the 5″ heel. Common stripper practice at clubs like mine where we are not allowed to carry small purses around and have to literally attach all our belongings to our bodies. I like wearing the wad of bills on my ankle except when I have too many singles I haven’t swapped for twenties, when the cash gets a little weighty and cumbersome.

All Teasing and No Fucking Makes “Marisa” a Horny Bitch

April 25, 2010

All humping and no pumping. Gotta be honest. I’m feeling a little unfulfilled these days. How is someone in the sex industry not getting laid? Last week, I was the third in my first real threesome, but I was exceedingly willing to take a backseat to the other girl, who was the actual girlfriend. On a similar topic, my birth control (that I don’t especially need these days) has one glorious side effect which is virtual lack of periods. Definitely convenient when you are a stripper! I asked a girl last night about tampon strings and she said the unfortunates who actually bleed on a monthly basis just cut the strings off. Duh! I got suckered into working tonight and I despise Sundays. It’s all awkward losers who are difficult to talk to.

Oh My God! Shoez

April 24, 2010

I am determined to find some high glittery pink heels like the ones Madonna wore for her Confessions on a Dancefloor album cover.

Tik Tok on the Clock

April 24, 2010

Part of the reason I have settled at the club where I work now is that the DJ’s play music I like. Lots of upbeat urban stuff. But I’m still stuck with the occasional Top 40 hit that makes me wanna jump off a cliff like Kei$ha’s Tik Tok. Fortunately, the DJ’s shorten the songs so much, the bad ones (and my faves) don’t last the full play. When it comes to lap dances, that give me more control over when I decide I’m done with one. Another club I worked at played horrendously long extended dance mixes that pushed 7 to 8 minutes at times. I remember wanting to kill myself while giving a super skinny regular three prepaid dances where the songs went on for fucking ever. Time is money man! And lap dances should average 3-4 minutes, not 7+.

My absolute least favorite song is Bed Rock. It’s a tolerable tune until about minute 1:32 when some featured female artist has a verse. Her voice makes me shudder, especially at 1:56 when she drags out the word asbestos, hissing the second S a bit like a snake.

The other night, we were all getting ready in the dressing room, which has a speaker hooked up so girls don’t miss being summoned to the stage. The DJ threw on, of all things, the old school 90’s club jam, Rhythm of the Night by Corona, to which another stripper responded, “If this is the rhythm of the night, I’m going home.”

Of course, I can’t forget the signature song “Make it Rain” by Fat Joe ft. Lil’ Wayne. Guys get off on showering stacks of ones on you. I can’t say I’m totally cool with them getting amped to the lyrics “make it rain on dem hos” but this is the life I’ve chosen…. A stripper I am but a ho I ain’t!

Everybody’s Hustling

April 24, 2010

As a stripper, my job is to hustle people into paying for my company. When I first started, I’d waste time chatting with cheap guys at the bar, perhaps allowing them to buy me a drink, but not having the courage to remind them I was working, not socializing. I’ve since realized most guys who sit at the bar are not worth your time and I give them about 1-2 minutes before walking away if they show little interest.

Although we are professional hustlers, we fall victim as well. Besides the standard house fee the clubs charge, which are easy to justify because of the security and amenities provided to us, the club finds other ways to gouge us. There are many fees such as late fees, fees for getting caught on your cell phone in front of customers, leaving early fees, no show fees etc. They are not always enforced thankfully. At the last club I worked at, there was a sign warning us that the cell phone use fee was a whopping $100. Clubs also may charge an additional fee if you are unable to pay your house fee up front at the beginning of the shift.

The biggest scam at my club is the dress code. Last Thursday I showed up and learned that I was not allowed to wear a long gown, which is usually the kind of dress required. I own a really cute short dress, the first stripper dress I ever bought and I was pissed I hadn’t known to bring it in with me that night. I ended up being hustled into buying another short dress which happens to be very cute, but I won’t be able to wear it often. That Thursday ended up being a huge let-down with a very cheap crowd and if you factor in my dress, I basically made negative money. Fortunately, the house mom lets us pay in increments for our dresses and tracks whatever amount we owe her night to night. This past Thursday we had another theme night where we had to wear all white. Since I didn’t already have a white dress, I bought a pretty new one that I honestly love. Still, I’m about $150 in the hole to the house mom between the $120 white dress, a thong and a $30 balance on the first short dress I got.