You know how sometimes you’ll buy a cardio workout video and the second you put it in, you realize it’s far more appropriate for sedentary senior citizens who need to lose fifty pounds than a twenty something? I remember being amused at a Denise Austin video as she encouraged me to “keep going!” before my heart beat was elevated beyond the level of walking alongside my Gramma.
When I was bartending at a strip club and considering dancing, I looked into some pole dancing classes. Everyone knows it’s gone pretty mainstream thanks to celebs like Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria’s rave reviews. All that cheesy talk about how it’s “empowering.” In any case, like every other fitness class offered to spoiled housewives and perfectionist yuppie chicks in this city, pole dancing classes are way overpriced.
Too many class descriptions for pole dancing studios are pitching to the “everyday woman” (read, frumpy overweight housewife trying in vain to hold her man’s sexual interest). Other classes emphasize the fact a dance routine is choreographed while I’m looking strictly for new moves to mesh together organically. I don’t want to look like a sedated Britney Spears sleepwalking through her Circus tour. More amusing than her spaced out dancing is the fake lap dance she almost gives at the end of this video.
Sidenote: Breathe on Me is my favorite Britney song, very sexy. I like this remix with Madonna.
I once attended a class at Sheila Kelly Ex Factor, which is the pole dancing studio made famous by Teri Hatcher and others. They have studios in LA, here and elsewhere. I took the class after I’d started dancing and thought I could handle Level Two. It turned out to be far more difficult then I expected, but it was the only a la carte class I could take that Saturday. It set me back $45 for one hour and the studio tries to make you sign up for 8 week courses that cost a whopping $400. During the class, myself and another less advanced girl shared a pole and were practicing climbing up it along with a difficult move where you spin your body sideways between your arms (couldn’t find a visual). The studio was way too hot and the pole was too slippery. It was a pain in the ass to have to wipe it clean every time the other girl and I took turns as well. The one perk of the class is there were 2-3 girls in attendance training for a pole dance competition. They taught the instructor a move or two and were a treat to watch.
Since I don’t wanna shell out my hard-earned dry humping funds on classes, I try and practice on my club’s pole at the beginning of the night when there aren’t many customers to be embarrassed in front of should a blooper occur. Going on stage at the same time as a girl who is willing to help you learn or learning alongside you helps. The other day, I was doing a lot of climbing up the pole and finding fun ways to come down. I’m still scared to do any upside down stuff, but I’m getting there. I’m doing stuff more like this.
I’ve said it before, but pole dancing skills aren’t crucial to a stripper’s income. You might make extra singles from your stage tips, but lap dancing, which anyone can pick up easily, is where the money’s at. So is sucking cock in the champagne room but I don’t do that!
Many girls don’t bother with pole tricks because of the bruising. Right now I have nasty bruises between my thighs on my pale Irish skin. If I had a gyno appointment, the doctor would probably slip me a printout of domestic abuse hotlines. The other bad ones I have are on my knees and my ankles. When you climb up the pole you use your ankles to push yourself up and since I wear heels with straps, the bruising is even worse than it would be. Just today my sister, who is in the dark, noticed a bruise on my knee. Considering I am seeing family on the beach for Memorial Day, I’m going to have to give the pole a break if I want to rock a bikini without displaying the million bruises I’ll inevitably be asked about.