Halcion, Seconal, Valium, Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan (is Ativan already outdated!? It used to be my hero.) Lorazepam, Clonazepam, OxyCo-some-shit-or-other. (I don’t fuck with painkillers). Percocet. Benzadrine. Amphetamine. Methamphetamine. Adderall. Ritalin. Cocaine. Yao. Morphine???? (If you really wanna be old-school.) Et al.
I’m a Massachusetts resident, technically. I voted to legalize medical marijuana (Question 3), but couldn’t bring myself to vote for assisted suicide a la Oregon (because the specifics entail taking 100 capsules of the old-school Doll Seconal by yourself at home.)
It’s all similar, though, no? From Valley of the Dolls, to Bret Easton Ellis nihilism, to Prozac Nation in the ’90s, to moi and my contemporary, “Benzo/stimulant”-loving peers?
Shrinks conform to the “diagnosis du jour.” (ADHD in the ’90s, Bipolar and Autism since then), while us head case patients (some addicts in disguise) exploit the “mood disorder du jour.” Have I mentioned I’m thrilled I wasn’t this bat-shit crazy in the ’50’s or ’60s? Dodged the lobotomy bullet, at least. And feeling like the family dog getting sent to the “funny farm,” even if I am a contemporary black sheep, isn’t as brutal in the post-PC-era.
My Rx bottle for Trazodone and Klonopin says “take as needed for insomnia and anxiety” even though myself and my doctor know it’s a bipolar thaaaaaang. Fuck Lithium, it makes you fat and sleepy; certain bipolar drugs make you so lethargic, disengaged and bloated, you may as well swap your diagnosis for clinicaL depression.
My new (soon-to-be-old) shrink asked me “why do you like Klonopin?”
“Because, I’ve had two hospitalizations for mania, and Klonopin/Ativan played the hero in both; reinstating my body’s natural appetite for food and sleep, which had been lost. I can take them during the day and not become narcileptic, like the other drugs that curb anxiety while over-sedating you.” (Seroquel/Depakote/Lithium/Geodon.) I can use Benzo’s and stay awake, while calming down, instead of becominhg useless and over-sedated.”
“Oh, but Klonopin exacerbates mania, makes it worse, so does Trazodone.”
(Then why the fuck did ER doctors, seeing me in a shit-show state, prescribe Ativan and Klonopin as the quick-fix “chill pill?”)
The field of psychiatry is so full of hacks. So is the field of patients. People move to Massachusetts to become homeless, despite the cold, cause of Romney-care and other government programs in place. Homeless crackheads often have an easier time coming by Klonopin than I do. Is it a “hurry up and die” thing? Should I freel flattered that my new/old shrink emphasized the possible fatality of mixing Klonopin and alcohol? The fact she’s not eager to get my waste-of-space, Boston College grad body off the planet? When my PCP prescriped 90 Klonopins to hold me over last year, I couldn’t help thinking, “You know how much of an OD enabler you are?”
I would never OD on purpose; But I’ve had far too many nights where I took one Trazodone and……still wide awake….ok bite another in half. Still wide awake as fuck. Ok, take the other Trazodone half while dipping in to the Klonopin stash.That usually does the trick. Many nights I take Klonopin preemptively, knowing that I’m putting a dent in my “controlled substance” stash, but feeling mentally convinced Trazodone won’t do it alone. Seroquel definitely does. At 5’3″, 125, the smallest dose on the market is about THREE TIMES as sedating as I can handle.
No more running for the shelter, of this spinster’s little helper? If my new shrink has anything to do with it, my little helper will be more like shackles to my bed. I’ll be a useless blob.