Dating a Marine, Part II of Infinity, or 2 of 2, Depending

photo (15)

I have a soft spot for marines. I dated one this time last year who was far more emotionally banged up than my current guy. I can’t help gravitating toward fucked up people, because they are filled with stories and I can relate to their emotional struggles, but my current marine is nice and mentally stable. Relatively speaking…..

If I can ignore his annoying pro-gun facebook posts.

I have another local friend with tons of guns, plus two pit bulls, and I was initially a little uncomfortable, but figured, as long as I don’t know how to, or have to, use them, I’d be good. I tend to be in a relaxed and happy state of mind when I’m with this friend, as well as my new flame, which keeps the thought of self harm to a minimum..

But my friend isn’t this gung ho marine who wants to talk ad nauseum about gun control on facebook. I take offense to people getting so up in arms (literally) about gun regulations following Sandy Hook.

This guy I’m dating treats me well; he picks me up and drops me off at work and cooks for me. He’s affectionate, and does me other little favors without acting whipped. His reaction to my revealing I strip was very chill. We’ve already been through each other’s family stories, including my admitting I’m the black sheep for more reasons than being outed as a stripper (ie drinking and not managing my mental health to my nurse stepmom’s standards.) These are all good things. But I know the companionship I’m enjoying now isn’t meant to be long term.

We are on opposite sleep schedules and I’ll sit up drinking his bourbon, watching movies past his bedtime. It makes me uneasy that he has so many guns and that I let him teach me to use two of them. (The safety is nothing but a flip you switch, painfully easy!)

I asked him if he’d lost friends in combat during his two deployments. He hadn’t (they launched ammunition, so were able to passive aggressively kill people in Fallujah without looking them in the eye or going man to man.) He’s lost a good 4-5 military friends and associates to suicide. He wasn’t in hard core situations, so that helps him have a sound mental state; he literally did a presentation for trainees about ammunition citing kill numbers as “morale booster” (instead of eat-away-at-you-til-you-off-yourself boosters.)

I discussed the issue with a high school buddy who loves him some guns (he was the token non-bleeding heart guy of my liberal Boston suburb growing up.) He said:

“As pro-second ammendment as I am, manic depression combined with substance abuse means no guns for you!.”

At my High School reunion, one of my classes’ two casualties came up; “Yeah, I heard he was shitfaced when he shot himself” was my friend’s line. To the point, and painfully true.

My new flame doesn’t know the full extent of my problems. He knows I pop pills to sleep and always stay up later than him and he knows I get anxiety and drink more than him, but I haven’t copped up to him that his guns make me weary. He definitely hasn’t figured out telepathically that I secretly see his guns as opportunities; the motive is already there, but usually suppressed by fear, Klonopin, and most importantly, lack of access to firearms (I’ll be quicker to call 9-1-1 and take care of myself than fire a bullet.).

My greatest fear is accidentally overdosing on my sedative pills combined with alcohol. I discussed openly with my last, fucked up, marine, how I’m often scared to sleep, because I’m scared of not waking up, which contributes to my insomnia. Getting drunk and shooting myself is just so much easier. It’s not like I’ve had my heart broken, I’m just very morbid. I have morbid obsessions, such as Amy Winehouse’s downfall, dating guys who’ve had to kill people and reading shit like Naked Lunch by William Burroughs.

I really want our society, as a whole to make some headway as far as the suicide and mental health stigma. Which is why I’m plugging this post from TheGoodMenProject.

Advertisements

10 Responses to “Dating a Marine, Part II of Infinity, or 2 of 2, Depending”

  1. developergolf Says:

    The entire Gun Lobby and general thought about guns scares the Shit out of me . Especially that gun lobby man ” The Only thing stopping a Bad Guy with a Gun ………is ..A good guy with a gun “..

    Sometimes one needs to be on the outside .

  2. Kathryn DeHoyos Says:

    As the author of that Good Men Project article, let me first say thank you for linking to us! This is a very important issue that needs to get as much attention as possible! It is also a very personal issue for me! Like you I am the “black sheep” and have struggled with depression and substance abuse since I was a pre-teen, and there was a point in 2009 where it got so bad that easy access to a gun would have, without a doubt, meant the end of my life. This message needs to reach as many in the public as possible! The research is there, it’s no longer about emotion or opinion but cold hard facts! Thanks again for sharing!!

    • mountingandcounting Says:

      Thank YOU for writing it! It made my day, as public awareness is painfully low. The timing was perfect (it just popped up on my Twitter feed) considering I was already musing on the topic. Suicide prevention is near and dear to me. I’m probably seeing this guy tonight and going to have a serious chat about it. I’m more worried about being safe against myself than a random intruder, especially when he’s the trained marksman to handle that scenario! My other buddy enjoys shooting at targets to blow off steam, cause he doesn’t struggle with self harm, so to each his own. We all know our own limits, it’s better not to tempt fate.

  3. sexmahoney Says:

    “Yeah but I got reasons to hang about. Wanna see how the Kobe thing comes out. I’ve never seen an Australian moon. I got tickets for the Giants in San Francisco this June. My van’s been running pretty well. Every Sunday there’s a new king of the Hill. I wanna prove that Bush and Bin Laden are in cahoots. Iowa beat Florida in the Outback Bowl which should help with recruits. I learned how to make tortilla chips and my bike has new gears. Churchill never held office ’til his 60th year. And mostly you just never know who with or where you’re gonna find your bliss. Maybe today your gift is listening to Elliot Smith.”—from Elliot Smith

    “See, I’ve heard all the arguments, “We need the guns against the government” but the last time that I checked, the government’s supposed to be us and if that isn’t true, let’s have a revolution right now. But if the government is us, let’s get rid of all the guns.

    “England isn’t coming. We ain’t holding off the Huns. If you want to hunt the elk, check out a gun like you check out your bowling shoes.”—from Disarmament

    By Dan Bern

    • mountingandcounting Says:

      Good stuff. One of my two best friends, who struggles with drinking and depression, talked to me on the phone yesterday and said, “I’m sure this guy’s a good one, but he’s not my business, YOU’RE my business, and you need to feel that he prioritizes your safety if it gets serious.”

  4. skinnydipblog Says:

    Have you read “Your Voice in My Head” by Emma Forrest? I read it recently and thought of you. This post kind of reminded me of some of the stuff she wrote about self harm.

    I don’t really have personal experience with wanting to harm myself but I do have anxiety and can relate to the whole sleeping issue. I used to have to literally knock myself out with something just to get rest. So I get that. Please stay safe & take of yourself hon xox

  5. Emma Says:

    Stop living such self destructive life. You are surrounded by the lowest. Use your brain, get away from where you are, learn to live a normal life with a normal job, even if this means getting paid less money. You are too vulnerable and you know very well that the time will come when you will not be able to sell yourself any more. Get out before it happens.

    • mountingandcounting Says:

      I appreciate the honesty. Trust me, my mindset is ready to pack it in by taking a hiatus, cutting back, or even switching jobs 100%. At the very least, cutting back and adding a part time normal job.

  6. Dorthy Says:

    Hi, you post interesting content on your site, you deserve much more visits,
    just search in google for – augo’s tube traffic

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: