Yesterday, I attended a baby shower, and despite the cranked heat, I didn’t remove my hoodie because I was wearing ill-fitting clothes underneath. This morning, I avoided looking at myself in the mirror after my shower. Last night, I found a dozen pictures at my Gramma’s from Summer 2011 where I look positively beer-bloated, tired and pasty, as I do now. She doesn’t know it yet, but I removed them from her album and threw them away, I’m so mortified by my appearance.
Last year, I quit drinkiing from August until Christmas day, losing 10-15 pounds with little effort. I was quite active, taking pole dancing classes and figure skating, healthy habits that were enabled by being away from nightclubs and booze. My drug of choice is high calorie, and I’m not one of those alcoholics who has no appetite. I hate lying to my Dad’s side of the family about drinking and I was honest with my Mom’s side over Christmas. But I know myself best, and all one has to do to know whether I’m on or off the wagon is compare how I look now to how I looked at Thanksgiving 2011. I’m easily 15 lbs heavier with huge bags under my eyes, dehydrated drab skin and no glow or shine to my skin or hair. I quite frank;ly look like shit if I don’t pile on Sally Hansen spray tan, makeup, 8″ heels and tone everything down with flattering strip club lighting.
My weight, health and appearance are out of hand. Instead of being the one aspect of my life I sieze control over, to counteract the tough aspectss I can’t control (my brain’s chemistry, losing my mom), it’s yet another facet of my day to day life that is thoroughly out of control. Now that I’ve quit my club, I have a little time to detox and prioritize self care. I can’t be a full time dieter, exerciser and detoxer for long, as I’ve already made far less money than anticipated so far in 2013. But I think I need to cut myself some slack and allow a solid 1.5-2 weeks of nothing but healthy eating, a regular sleep schedule, tons of fresh air, sunlight and walking and no cigarettes. Working at a New Orleans club has turned me into a vampire with a depleted immune system and a dehydrated, malnourished, yet bloated appearance. I’m quite frankly disgusted with myself.
I heard from my Dad for the first time since last Christmas (he led to my falling off the wagon last yeaer, though I can’t blame anyone but myself.) He wants to get together soon and resume talking, keeping it light and seeing where it goes. I don’t feel ready, though, and might postpone our get-together now set for this weekend. I want to look and feel better before seeing him (in my neverending vain quest to please.)
I’m quite dissapointed in myself and I’m seriously thinking about leaving New Orleans early. I can work private parties in Boston and New York City, which will allow me more time for self care than a full time strip club schedule. Being in the Northeast will allow me the comforts of having more close friends and family members around, so I’m motivated to stay on track, and feel more supported. Plus, my friend up here is trying to help me land technical writing jobs, which are not possible to work remotely. I think it’s time for a mother-fucking change. I’m thoroughly displeased with my work life and personal life. And I’m sick of lying to people all the time. It’d be nice to reach a place where I can be happy with my career choices and my lifestyle.