The Blues

I’m coming down off the high of a mega-productive and lucid, not to mention lucrative, three days. Last night was my first full shift at a club and my body wasn’t on a vampiric enough schedule to stay sharp until almost 5AM. I went to bed on 21 hours awake, and woke up earlier than I’d prefer.

Today was my first loafing day in quite a bit, so I decided to watch Restrepo, a documentary about a Platoon’s 15 month deployment in Afghanistan.

Normally, I know better than to watch or listen to anything depressing when my mood’s low. I figured I should educate myself on how things really work over in Afghanistan without contemplating the depressing deaths and real life reactions I’d see. Although the documentary has endearing, lighthearted moments, it’s not the “truth based” fare of Generation Kill with punched up jokes and no casualties. And it got to me.

Of course, I felt for the men (boys really) who lost their friends. I don’t ask my military buddies about whether they’ve lost close pals, the way you don’t ask customers at the club about their wives and kids, so it’s easy to maintain the out of sight, out of mind approach. Until you accidentally watch a documentary where you see soldiers discover the body of a man down.

I have a good deal of self shame about my inability to handle emotional triggers. Watching a damn 90 minute documentary has thrown my mood for the whole day (I popped a Klonopin to chill out) and these guys held down a grueling dragged out deployment.

There’s a great segment in the book Generation Kill where the author, a Rolling Stone reporter, talks about anxiety pill culture and the relative weakness of his civilian peers in Los Angeles:

“We stand around looking at each other through the warping, fish-eye lenses of our gas masks. I can’t conceal my feeling of triumph. Not only am I glad that I don’t seem to be showing any symptoms of exposure the gas, but I’m also not a little proud that I’ve gotten fully MOPPed up without panicking. Unlike these Marines, I haven’t spent the last few years of my life in wars or training exercises with bombs going off, jumping out of airplanes and helicopters. In my civilian world at home in Los Angeles, half the people I kinow are on antidepressants or anti-panic attack druge because they can’t handle the stress of a mean boss or a crowd at the 7-Eleven when buying a Slurpee.

that’s my world, and it wouldn’t have surprised me if, thrust into this one, in the first moments of what we all believe to b3e a real gas attack, I’dee just flipped out and started autoinjecting myself with Valium.”

(Afforementioned injectable Valium was meant to finish the job for a man wounded beyond recovery a la Morphine.)

Most of us semi-liberal urbanites can judge questionable military engagements from a chicken shit point of view. But how many of us will freely admit they are not man (or woman) enough to handle what the guys in Restrepo did?

Another quip in Generation Kill is a guy saying “we’re the ones your moms said not to hang out with in High School. Now they put us up on pedestals as heroes.”

Readers may wonder, “where are her dry humping anecdotes? I wanna know how she dealt with that guy who whipped his dick out last night.” All I can say is, I may be an emotional basket case, but I relate to other disenfranchised people as a result. I’m a closeted mental health case, sex worker and alcoholic, I mean that’s a triple whammy, man. Does it make sense to y’all why I date military guys, now? I’m drawn in a sick way to damaged goods, which is probably unhealthy and even dangerous for my well-being. But even if I’m a pussy who literally gets panic attacks over the prospect of running out of anxiety pills, I’d like to think I can be proud of my willingness to probe retired military men for their stories when, and only when, appropriate. You can’t shove your curious agenda down someone’s throat. But if you date someone, as I have, you eventually gauge how much they are willing to open up, and even vent. Military guys tend not to judge the stripping profession as harshly and if only they weren’t so in love with their guns, I’d put my money on marrying one eventually. I got tricked into seeing my Dad last weekend (something I hesitate to mention, as it’s linkable to my real life) and when I told him I’d dated a couple Marines and was back to manhunting, he said, “whoever marries you needs to be a strong man.” And I think the only hope I have is a guy who’s been through some heavy ass shit. I respect military men by default, until they lose my respect, like the guy I dumped February 15th (that has to be some kind of unofficial dumping day of women doing the dumping following Valentine’s let-downs.)


4 Responses to “The Blues”

  1. developergolf Says:

    The problem begins when they join the defence forces, for one must be realistic and appreciate that the wonderful USA ( and Australia for that matter ) should have never been in Afghanistan in the first place . They will try and convince you of the wonderful work they have done , and all they have achieved , when the truth is they have achieved very little . I have many Afgani Clients here , and they all pretty m,uch got the Senario spot on..Very little has changed. Its just loose loose , but thats not the fault of the ” Pawn in the Game ” the Military Officer .
    And what a great song that is ..Take a u- tube of it ..Bob Dylan .

    What is it with this ” Pop a Pill ” mentality ? and why is it that pretty much every person in the USA ( And to a degree UK ) sees this as some kind of option ? This is the real ” Crazy ” . Life is never a Flat ” Now ” , its meant to be made up of ” Ups and Down ” . Its similar to the Obese ..they get fatter and fatter , until ” They are not fat ” . Its Lowest Common denominator Stuff ..
    The Norm should never be to have a packet of pills in the Cupboard . Its unfortunately driven by the USA medical system , completely over serviced , and in the Doctors Interest to Diagnose .

    I spent 2 Months in a Indonesian province , living life in a absolute sense , very poor people ( Financially ) , yet Im certain they are of sounder mind than your Average Dude in the USA or Australia . I worry about a country like the USA that is so so insular , with only 11 % of the population having a Passport , then when they do get OS you can pick em out .

    Do yourself a Favor , save some of that Money , get a passport , and get over an spend a month in the Real Asia ..not some resort , get out amougst the real people in the Provinces , dont be a Farang ( White ) Tourist . The trip will certainly pay for itself in the emotional , and will cost very little in terms of Dollars .

    • mountingandcounting Says:

      I have a passport love! I went to Italy in June and hope to be overseas again soon. The flight is the biggest expense; if I pay my taxes off on time, I’ll definitely reward myself with a non-domestic vacation šŸ™‚

      • developergolf Says:

        Thats excellent , and surely commend all kinds of travel . Plus ( In my mind anyhow ) ..It puts you in the Top 11 % , cant quite believe this number , but you will know it to be true .

        Italy is a great place to Visit .. Especially their wonderful ” Voting ” principles šŸ™‚ ..Hmmmm , no comment . But at least its exciting right ?
        Try Asia next time ..But remember , the ” Real ” trip , and seriously I say this because I believe you would get right into it …and would find something with – in . It oppens ones eyes to the West ..Sure does for me anyhow , and the cost ..Is tiny . The Education = Immense .

  2. Sex Mahoney Says:

    Take a short job with a courier service and fly for free.

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