Hey, remember me? #attentionseeking
I’ve been MIA cause I’ve been focusing on other shit, ie my future over my present, which admittedly has caused some anxiety over immediate cash flow, but no biggie.
I’m outta the game for now, but most girls know you always have one foot, or at least one toe, still in the game, along with a piece in the back of your mind that nags “I’m always a handy quick fix if you fall behind on bills!” The whole “just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in,” cliche’ is painfully applicable to strippers and all sex workers.
I’m starting grad school soon and wish I could fast forward to day one of class. I actually have half a dozen prerequisite courses I didn’t take as an undergrad to do, so it’s good I have ample time before starting my PhD. On the flip-side, however, I also don’t qualify for student loans and my credit’s still below 680, leaving me poorly qualified for “personal loans” leading up to mky degree program. I feel in limbo; motivated and eager to qualify for a particular PhD program, but unable to finance the prerequisites up front.
It’s not too unrealistic to pay up front, though. If I take one course per summer semester, followed by two courses per semester in Fall and Spring, I only need 1K per class at the cheap in state and continuing studies schools (I looked into a local private school that is simply too pricey and impulsively registered for, then dropped four courses that were 2.5K a pop.)
I’m sorry to alienate any sex worker who sees this, but I’ve grown disenchanted with Twitter. I suppose I need to diversify my “following” portfolio, because I’m sick of everything revolving around hooker stuff, dressing room/DJ talk and sex work advocacy. Not that I’m not an ally of sex workers, pro-legalized-prostitution and all that good stuff (can you believe in some places, hotels will arrest you for having more than 3 condoms?), but I don’t want to serve a life sentence as a sex worker advocate. It will always mean something to me and I will always stand up against stereotypes and stupid jokes about strippers and hookers. But I want a regular age-proof career. I want to fill in the giant gap on my resume. By going back to school and volunteering in a relevant field, I’m essentially giving myself a clean slate and hoping people won’t judge my patchy resume too harshly. All my previous vanilla work experience is irrelevant to my future career goals, anyway, so just add my taboo stuff to that mix.
Many sex workers get pissed off if their peers act snobby, but at the same time, many sex workers act snobby in their own right. There’s a popularity heirarchy on Twitter; there are girls in complete denial of fellow sexs workers who fit into stereotypes, and women who have decided they are career sex workers and fuck anyone who questions them or expresses a true desire to get the fuck out this biz.
I was sitting on the train, where you do all your best thinking, like the shower or driving, and it occurred to me: “Why shouldn’t I reaffirm that I’m too good for an industry that acts too good for me?” I thought back to late January, when my long term club demoted me to day shift. They probably found me easy to manipulate, an exceedingly could sport who’d put up with t punishment. They knew my internal insecurities of being thick and older than average would allow me to agree with their demotion. But fuck that. As the shit-talking bartender sarcastically said, “You’re the intellectual stripper.” I’m not much of a hustler, like John Voight in Midnight Cowboy, so why waste my energy on an industry where my talents don’t fully lie? I’ll still chase the dream of writing, but I’m so happy that, after years of floundering and scraping by, I’ve found another source of passion and I’ve found some real direction and sense of stability.