Condoms and Lube: Mail Order vs Mainstream

As a single gal who can never seem to find a good boyfriend, I have to be vigilant about safe sex, making me a well-qualified candidate for condom and lube reviews!
 
My fellow blogger, Simone, at skinnydip.ca posts often about sex toys, dating, sex in general, and other products for intimate enhancement, so she was quick to think of me as a fellow product tester to provide feedback for a company called Lucky Bloke. They distribute various brands of condoms via mail order that can be hard to find at your local store, besides, perhaps a sex shop, which aren’t conveniently located for many. 
 
I have barely tapped in to my stash so far for a few reasons, but have plenty of feedback for a Part 1 of 2. I have some thoughts on generic pharmacy condoms and lubes as well, for the sake of comparison and to reaffirm my feelings on their pros and cons.
 
Male feedback is equally important, so not being monogamous means, not only using condoms in the first place, but hearing a variety of opinions from guys. Their input demonstrates various tastes, sexual styles, performance levels (ie do you need a condom that helps you last or allows the best alternative to au naturale sex that lets you feel as sensitive without easily going soft?) Cock size is certainly a factor as well. 
 
I don’t generally have to solicit a guy’s experience with a particular condom; it’s usually evident if its base pinches the fuck out of him, cutting off vital circulation, or if it’s a size, texture and thickness that doesn’t work for him.  
 
I chose two samplers from Lucky Bloke, one flavored condoms, the other flavored lubes, because I’m not a fan of gross latex smells (and often tastes.) My shipment arrived in discrete packaging, so that was the first good sign. However it’s a good thing I checked expiration dates, because some were fast approaching. I trashed several Glyde brand Strawberry condoms just the other day, because my one attempt using them didn’t work out, so I didn’t make a point to use more.
 
I know I got free samples ’cause I theoretically have lots of sex, but what if I hadn’t been as vigilant or used all the other samples before the almost-expired ones? It’s like offering me a $1.59 Four Piece Nuggets at McDonalds in exchange for taking risks with STD protection, a disproportionate cost-benefit ratio that could result in negative consequences for me, to say nothing of a negative review and even law suit. Their biggest misstep.
 
My first and only experience with a Strawberry Glyde condom Simone vouched for was disappointing, “is this like Trojan enz?/Just supposed to go on the tip?” said the guy, safely average sized, I tried it with. We switched to a more tried and true Durex or something within a minute. After the sex, I read the millimeter size on the package, and took to Google to see if it was considered “small medium or large.” It was in the average range, so something doesn’t add up.
 
The biggest perk of the lube samples is they easily fit in your pocket or wallet, some seeming more like a bursting liability then others ie the thick pouches from Wet! versus wallet sized flatter ones about the same dimensions of condoms from Sliquid and Delicious Encounters. Countless times, I’ve had full bottles of Astro Glide and other liquid lubes spill all over a bag on the go. I generally anticipate this by putting it in a plastic bag, but it’s still annoying and wastes the product, so I often use gel despite my liquid preference (KY warming being my fave).
 
I’m no vegan, but standard fare at CVS doesn’t really cut it for those who prefer alternative high maintenance products like Sliquid brand. As far as a partner’s role with lube, I prefer the natural lube of me getting wet or at least some spit from him – I HATE when guys rub my pussy blissfully unaware of it being dry (it feels so much better lubed, natural or man made, much like lotion or oil for a backrub) and per the “you’ve got to lick it before u stick it” mantra, don’t be such a hack finger banger by forcing it right in, let alone your dick, which at least slides in easier with a lubed condom. I hate head without being lubed first, so if I’m not wet yet, this is where the flavored lubes come in handy; they KY warming gel that I like isn’t exactly tasty so better for the actual sex part, not foreplay.
 
I had trouble deciding between flavored lubes/condoms and a brand called Kimono that specializes in thin condoms; What guy doesn’t prefer “barely there” type condoms, unless he’s a paranoid jerk about breakage with “you’re trying to get pregnant and trap me” complexes (get over yourselves!) In my experience guys getting laid worry more about going soft cause of the condom than the condom failing, at least in the moment and when they don’t have “UR trying to have my baby and trap me” complexes related to assumptions of less durability in thin condoms. Therefore
 
I’m reviewing some additional condoms available from Lucky Bloke that I bought at Good Vibrations sex shop to supplement my samplers. You rarely, if ever, find Kimono brand and more specialized condoms at pharmacies, so I’ll tell you my favorite pharmacy brands, if you’re limited to that in a hurry.
 
In general, I want to see more flavored large condoms on the market, I swear Magnums are markedly stinky compared to Durex pleasure pack condoms, so ill have to request a large size sampler (extra large too) from Lucky Bloke. The ladies know what I’m talking about when a guy is fucking and goes soft so u work him with your mouth til he’s sufficiently hard again – it’s not fun to say “uh can u wash this nasty taste off your dick before we continue?”
 
I can’t think of someone getting all offended when it’s come up for me, but then again, I can’t remember how many guys I’ve fucked either. It’s no fun to interrupt sex with a dude who’s packing because condom companies don’t provide endowed guys the well-deserved reward of condom variety. Maybe condom manufacturers  all have tiny wee-wees and make it harder for more blessed guys (and their lucky partners) to enjoy the condom diversity small and average guys have.
 
I WILL say, though, I’ve had a couple tragically small guys where I was worried a condom wouldn’t stay put on even his rock hardest pig in a blanket, so while discovering a tiny cock always sucks, help the guy save face by having small condoms – or just pretend you’re an unselfish lover by blowing him start to finish or seeing if he makes up for lack of size with amazing oral. You don’t need to be fishing around your insides for a lost condom, especially since you’ll probably get no satisfaction from the sex. You also don’t need it getting lost after he pre-ejaculates or ejaculates if you’re not on birth control (which you should be.)
 
I bought four Kimono condoms a la carte, and from the outside of the large size, it seems that “vanity sizing” applies to guys like “size 2’s” that are really 6’s or 8’s in women’s clothing apply to us. But screw the vanity sizing; we all win – guy thinks he’s a stallion and you don’t have to smell like Magnums or again, risk having to fish around for a lost condom, which for us squeamish folk ain’t fun (to say nothing of a loose press on nail getting lodged during your seek and recover mission.)
 
I also bought an a la carte Trojan non-latex condom, not realizing it was non-latex at time of purchase. It was not tight at all, with less elasticity than normal condoms, and I couldn’t get it to stretch over the tip. It had a clear Asian noodle color – I hope latex allergic people benefit from them and are savvy at using them cuz I instantly gave up and hadn’t been aware of latex free condoms that also prevent STD’s. I’ve been out of the loop since lambskin or whatever was the only option, without STD protection. Work in progress I suppose, in need of innovation.
 
So while flavored condoms benefit girls more comfortable giving covered head or “in between the in and out” revival head without revolting latex taste, how does flavored lube benefit men? A mentionable fraction of my male peers like to give hardness-recovery head, the bust-a-nut-stalling male on female head applies, though young guys willing to give head is exceedingly rare. 
 
Residue from a yucky unflavored condom would taste bad for a guy too, but at least he doesn’t have to fill his entire mouth and block his airways with it for anatomical reasons. Applying extra lube outside the condom and in the girl’s crucial areas could preemptively help avoid this, but I’m probably not alone in my desire for sex smells over artificial flavors or latex smells.
 
Condoms are a necessary “evil” (and often so is lube) and I think a light, natural, subtle scent beats something reminiscent of a processed, chemical-laden hard candy, Gushers you ate during childhood, or free bank lollipops. My personal and unrealistic desire is to eliminate latex smell while maintaining those natural sex smells and minimizing the man made scents (versus tastes) of artificial sweeteners.
 
I feel like a light application of lube (as light as possible for flavored lube) combined with a flavored condom that doesn’t overwhelm your sense of smell is best. I’ve encountered some banana flavored Durex condoms and it smelled nice but overwhelming. A subdued vanilla, which is an aphrodisiac scent, is more up my alley, but I haven’t used my ONE vanilla condom from Glyde, or the appealing Blueberry and Wilberry flavors, since their size is pathetic.
 
If possible, I’d like fruit flavors that are toned-down and as close to the real fruit scent as possible. Something on par with natural juices compared with Juicy Juice. Sure, a dick tasting like candy is well and good, but I’m bigger on smell and want the most natural option that doesn’t remind me I’m dealing with man-made products instead of bare skin and natural lube (spit if not gushing juices.)
 
I don’t want my sense of smell, widely considered the most sensitive, being violated by creating memories of sex I forever-associate with tacky smells akin to guys’ Polo Sport cologne in high school. I want to at least be under the illusion I’m having au naturale sex, so completely unscented, flavorless lube  combined with kimono condoms is the next combo I want to try. In fact, they should seriously make an effort to produce “natural bodily fluid” flavored condoms. If they did, I would still hold of on eating Asparagus, but you get my drift.
 
My most recent use of a Lucky Bloke sample was a Mint-Chocolate flavored condom from the brand, One. I like that brand and each condom wrapper has a fun line like “ONE night stand.” The mint-cholate chip was on the money for me ’cause that’s my favorite ice cream flavor and the smell was quite subtle after I deliberately held it right up to my nose.
 
Lastly for part one, I’ve tried a couple of the lube samples that are compact like a Wet Wipe package, and avoided Wet brand since they seem so burstable like bath beads. The cream textured lubes don’t really do it for me. The slicker the better, especially in that compact packaging, which contains a smaller amount (with Wet! it seems you’d waste some leftovers.) To be continued…..
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4 Responses to “Condoms and Lube: Mail Order vs Mainstream”

  1. Lance Says:

    Hurry back. I’m taking note for me and the wife.

  2. Sex Mahoney Says:

    Wet lube is pretty boss. The single packs, maybe not so much. But they have a giant version that comes with a hand pump. I’d really like to see some kind of hands free lube dispenser. Like the soap in a public bathroom.

    Wouldn’t it be nice if they could make a lube that didn’t taste awful? I don’t know why it’s not already on the market. IFF could literally make a lube that tastes like anything.

  3. Steven Says:

    “Pig in a blanket” meaning uncircumcised? If so maybe that’s why it kept coming off, and not the small size. It’s definitely a problem I’ve had despite being average size.

  4. Whores & Hookers Says:

    Condoms appear to be sized for Asian dicks. Even Magnum Super Duper Trojan dont fit me, unless I need a tournequet.

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