The Full Monty

I’m not comfortable with full nudity at strip clubs. At least not for stage sets, versus a private room. NYC and Connecticut are mainly topless only save a couple places, but Massachusetts is all nude everywhere. I’ve danced a total of 1.5 songs all nude in my life; Golden Banana amateur night. After having a “oops I’m rusty at stripping” fail at getting my tight dress over my heels (shoulda pulled it over my head!)

It’s one thing to gather tips like this….

But it’s another thing to go through this motion, within 2″ of a guy, with your vag out, for a few singles.

Just not within my comfort zone. Plus I don’t have one of those perfect razor-burn/ingrown free vaginas with a clit piercing charm, not the kind that would win a vagina beauty pageant! Certain clubs have the tip “rail” but other clubs, like Scruples in Bridgeport, CT (where my Russian pimp driver brought me) have stages where you basically end up giving customers semi-lap dances for $1 bills chump change. Like strewing your heels across his shoulders and other teasing contact that is giving too much for too little (a necessary evil at a club frequented by broke day laborers where you can expect occasional sub-$200 nights like a waitress)

If you haven’t heard of, or don’t remember, the 1998 movie, The Full Monty, you’d damn well better check it out. It’s about unemployed male factory workers deciding to promote and put on a male strip show, going “The Full Monty.”

The movie is full of quirky British humor; a hapless redhead fails at committing suicide in a funny way, a husband looks at his wife leaning over and realizes how round-bottomed and unsexy she is, the leader of the pack tries a rookie strip tease for his son, helicoptering his leather jacket over his head as loose change flies out (oops)

The same actor who brilliantly played a manic depressive in Michael Clayton goes the Full Monty and takes a comedic break, as does the thin blonde guy from Snatch and Trainspotting, always the villain, who plays the sex trafficking crime boss in Human Trafficking.

Although your sentimental trafficking movie focuses predictably on pretty, white Eastern Europeans (and a white victim in Asia) I still love you, Mira Sorvino, because Romy and Michelle will be one of my favorite comedies and soundtracks indefinitely. And your Dad is fucking awesome, FUCK YOU PAY ME!

Just FYI, Tits and Sass has a ton of posts addressing Pretty Woman lately. My take is simple enough: the movie disproportionately represents the stories of prostitutes. It’s a script, a work of fiction, yet it’s the point of reference for every civilian. Check out recent TitsandSass posts for more thorough analysis.